1. Do not make an appointment. Just walk in, because they are going to be there anyway. Demand to be seen immediately! Become irate if you have to wait for anyone who was there ahead of you.
2. Bring all of your children. If you have no children, borrow some from a friend. Toddlers are best. Let them run around all over the hospital asking the staff a million questions.
3. Please ensure your mobile phone is turned on when you enter the consult room. Talk to everyone possible about what is happening to your dog/cat. Spend at least 10 minutes discussing this with them as well any other personal matters that come to mind.
4. As you leave, let your un-neutered dog urinate on every stationary object until you get outside. Do not tell anyone.
5. Please tell us if there is a problem, but wait at least 3 weeks to do so. Remember, continuous diarrhea for four weeks or more is considered "An Emergency Situation!". This is especially true at closing time on the weekends.
If you haven't brought your pet in to the hospital in two years, always tell the doctor the problem started RIGHT after the last visit and hasn't gone away.
6. Have your record under as many last names as possible. For your pet, have a registered name, a baptized name, and a nickname for each family member. Use a different one each time you come in for a visit.
7. When leaving your pet for boarding or any other procedures, never tell anyone in the office that you have changed your phone number since your last visit.
8. Never say anything important until the doctor put his/her stethoscope into their ears.
9. Always say, "Cost is not important! Just save my pet!"-- until you get the bill, then deny that you said it was OK to treat. Make a big fuss over every item even though you are not going to pay anyway.
10. If possible, always send your pet to the clinic with children under 18 years of age with no money or credit cards. Never tell them why they are bringing the pet in.
11. Complain about the cost of EVERYTHING. Stating that if you went to your doctor, you could get such and such procedure done for $100. Or that you will have to just "put your pet down" because you can't afford our prices.
12. Make sure you call an hour before closing to ask about having something done quickly (ex: express anal glands). Then, when you come in 10 minutes before closing, mention the huge list of other things you want to have looked at "since we're here anyway."
13. Make sure to never bring your dog in on a leash. It is best to let them run arround the parking lot and lobby without one. There is no need to be concerned about injury by cars or other pets.
14. Our Doctors' recommendations should not be heeded under any circumstances. They are just trying to con you out of your hard earned money. Feel free to waste an hour of our time and then decide you will take your pet home and "observe" him/her because you definitely know what is best.
15. When you believe that your pet may be in need of medication, it is not necessary to bring him/her in. Just call us on the phone and describe the injury/symptoms and we would be happy to diagnose the problem and prescribe medications for it. Of course, there will be no cost to you for the medicine, since your pet is not even our patient.
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