Client Comments

I was doing some browsing this morning looking for funny veterinary quotes, and I stumbled on this website. This vet keeps records of some of the things his clients have said over the years- some of them really made me laugh, as well as wonder what our profession is doing that these even came up. But people are surprising in how they think veterinary medicine actually works. To me these things are common sense, and it was interesting to see how people without a medical background view certain issues. And it's also a good learning experience, to know to expect the unexpected and to be able to answer any kind of question or respond to any comments.

This is what he has posted.

1. "Rice stops itching."

2. "Can you declaw just one paw?"

3. "Huskies don't get fleas."

4. "How much is a quarter cup of food?"

5. "I have a large-medium to large-small sized dog."

6. "She's okay until she bites."

7. "Can you spay them while they're in heat? I've heard that it messes up their hormones and changes their personality."

8. "He's allergic to steroids."

9. "I sewed it up with dental floss but it didn't hold."

10. "How much will it cost to file down my dog's teeth. My Rottweiler is becoming aggressive and bites my Golden and I don't like that."

11. "If I have a dog and it's always been an outside dog, and you make him an inside dog, will that make him die? My boyfriend's book says so."

12. "My cat is eating extra food and because of this is fat. What can I do?"

13. Told to groomer: "He don't bite until you brush him."

14. First question when answering the phone: "How can I tell if my dog is dead?"

15. "If I buy a prairie dog, will I be allergic to it like I am dogs and cats? Is it like a small dog?"

16. "My dog has been run over in front of my house. How can I tell what it died from and how long ago it died?"

17. On the phone: "I won't be able to pay you, because I'm only five feet tall and my husband left the charge card on top of the tv and I can't reach it."

18. "I've been using my herpes medication on the dog's skin, but it isn't working."

19. "I didn't know I'd have to wait if I just walked in."

20. "I can tell when he gets bad breath his anal glands need to be done."

21. "I wouldn't have had him neutered if I'd known you were going to remove his testicles."

22. "Do you guys ever wear your dog's collar? I do. He has a spiked collar and when I put it on he gets really upset. It's funny. You should see him."

23. "Can I use Compound W on my dog?"

24. "As they breed dogs smaller and smaller, their hearts stay the same size. My Pomeranians have hearts the same size as a fifty pound dog."

25. "Rabies vaccines cause dogs to become aggressive."

26. "I don't want to neuter my dog, but I don't want to have puppies. Is there a place where I can take him where he can get his freak on. You know, like a doggie whorehouse?"

27. "I vaccinated the father, so I figured the puppies would be protected from parvo."

28. "Well, I don't see why we need to check the other dogs in my house for hookworms, they aren't related to this one anyway!"

29. "I don't need to do presurgical bloodwork because my dog is a purebreed."

30. "When a dog's healthy they stand on their toes."

31. "He always drinks a lot of water when his ears are bothering him."

32. "I have a cat at home. She's eating and acting fine. But, her butt fell out. Can I get an estimate to fix it?"

33. On a follow-up phone call, when asking the owner how their dog is doing, she replied, "Well, I have no idea, he's downstairs!"

34. Owner of a cryptorchid dog: "He has a lump up on his back. I think that's the other testicle."

35. "I break up the Heartgard into fourths and give 1/4 each day, because they're so big and he can't eat all of it."

36. "My dog got parvo from my Mom's cat."

37. "Are you telling me that you aren't going to allow me to take the medication home unless I pay for it first?"

38. "He's only chewing where his skin meets the foot."

39. "I deal with his hip problem by taping his legs together with masking tape. He seems to enjoy it."

40. "Ivermectin and Geritol is a home remedy for heartworms."

41. "Dogs with double back dewclaws are immune to rabies."

42. "I deworm my horses and since the dogs eat the horse manure that's how they get dewormed."

43. "Besides having contact with a male, is there any other way my cat could have gotten pregnant?"

44. "My dog was poisoned but we treated him with steak and ice cubes and he got better."

45. "My dawg had the internal sickness."

46. "He's been known to snap on occasion, but he doesn't bite."

47. "If you never feed beef to your dog from day one, you will never have fleas."

48. "Can you cut the toenail to get a blood sample to tell how old he is?"

49. "I'm deathly afraid of dogs. The only way I can deal with my own dog is to pretend he's a cat."

50. "My dog is vomiting. Does that mean she's pregnant?"

51. "He's not really that sick. He's just vomiting 3 - 5 times a day."

52. "I want my dog tested for rabies."

53. "My dog keeps spitting out the Frontline."

54. "Can I give my dog breast milk?"

55. "I only want to buy a half a can."

56. "My dog is 1/2 English Setter, 1/2 Boxer, 1/8 Pitbull, and 1/8 Bulldog."

57. "My cat has been sneezing and having goopy eyes. I didn't bring him in because I know you can't give him antibiotics when they still have retained baby teeth."

58. Breeder about his latest female dog: "Well, I know she's pregnant because I helped."

59. "I think I need to bring my dogs in. She was in heat and they've been stuck together for three weeks now."

60. Written on a note for what the owner wants done to their pet: Shots, check poop, nudder.

61. "I only want my dog to be given 1/2 cc of the rabies vaccine because he's smaller."

62. "We don't trim the hair back that covers his eyes because if we do the light will be too bright and blind him."

63. "We keep him muzzled because it keeps him from peeing and pooping in the house."

64. "My dog, Abby, is dead, but I have a prescription for her for prednisone where I can get 5 refills. My son's dog has a skin problem, so I want to refill Abby's prednisone for him."

65. "My kitten was born in May and is now seven months old. She was spayed in February."

66. "Well, he's not a morning dog."

67. "My dog's kneecap fell off over the weekend and won't go back on."

68. "The mother has never had fleas, but her puppies were born with them."

69. "My friend told me to take crushed up seashells and sprinkle it throughout my yard. When the fleas walk on them their own shells break and they'll all die.........................It didn't work."

70. "I was afraid to take away food because if it kept trying to poop without having eaten I was afraid it would poop out its intestines instead."

71. "After I bathe the dog, I sit on the floor naked, and lay the dog across my private parts. If the hair dryer is too warm on my leg then I know it's too hot to use on him."

72. Dog with inguinal hernias: "The steroid injections make those lumps go away."

73. Conversation between clients when being instructed on giving insulin: Husband: "Well, can we reuse the syringes?" Wife: "No, you idiot! You want him to get AIDS?!"

74. "I'm building a safe room in my house and I want to get tranquilizers for my dog so that if we have to use the safe room he won't use up all the oxygen." 

75. "Can dogs use tampons?"

76. "I'm not consistent with the heartworm prevention. But, I don't have to be because I live on the eleventh floor."

77. "When you board cats, how do they go to the bathroom?"

78. "I think my cat has diabetes, because it has a fungal infection around his anus."

79. "My neighbor gave her dog a shot of the distemper/parvo and three days later he was foaming at the mouth and died. I think he already had parvo, so when she gave him the shot, he got double-parvo."

80. "If I refer people to your clinic do I get something?"

81. "If my little dog eats my other dog's large breed food, will it hurt him?"

82. "I don't need any heartworm prevention because I have a fenced yard."

83. "We add bleach to the water when we bathe our Westie so he stays white."

84. "You need to give me a handicapped permit for my car since my dog had knee surgery." 

85. The owner referring to their own German Shepherd: "Well, of course he bites. They know when you are doing silly things. They're very smart dogs and they're just correcting silly behaviors. We get corrected all the time!"

86. "Well, I sleep a lot, so I don't know whether he's eatin' or drinkin'."

87. "I want one of them there GPS tracking devices for dogs. I don't want it for my dog, though. I have a bunch of rental properties and I want to put those things in the refrigerator, so when people steal 'em I can track 'em down."

88. After explaining what can be expected with the owner's dog giving birth: "You mean there's going to be a mess?"

89. "I think her back is broken." (Cat was found to be in heat)

90. After being told the client will need to speak to the doctor: "I don't see the point in talking with her again since she won't agree with me!"

91. "When our declawed cat has it's kittens, will the kittens have claws?" 

92. "I knew something was wrong with my dog when I came home and he did not hump my leg as hard as he normally does." 

93. "It says here he got the D..A...P..P...C....somethin' but it also says it was killed, so whatever he had they killed it, so that's good."

94. "Well, I don't want to spend anything. That's why I'm on the phone, so you can just tell me what I need to do."

95. "I'm not worried about the seizures he's having because he's inbred."

96. "Can I get parvo if my dog bites me?"

97. Condensed conversation (actually took about 20 minutes on the phone): "I want to get those yeast pills! I know my dog has yeast because he's peeing everywhere! I think he got the yeast problem because he eats so much damn bread! He loves that damn bread! You want me to get urine? How am I supposed to get urine out of him?!"

98. Concerning a spay: "Is that procedure reversible?"

99. On the phone: "I want to know if you'll take Medicaid for my dog?"

100. "Can she sleep after she has the subQ fluids?"

101. "Can you give bleach internal for a dog with Parvo?"

102. "What can I use from home to deworm my kitten?"

103. "Can you do surgery to bring a dog's breasts up after giving birth?"

104. "If my dog died of Parvo, can my kitten get it?"

105. "If your dog gets the mange, he'll go crazy!"

106. "What's that flea control stuff that goes straight to a dog's brain and kills 'em?"

107. "Does my Rotti have Parvo again?"

108. "Can I do anything for my dog when he's sick instead of bringing him to the vet?"

109. On the phone: "I really don't have any money right now, but my cat has something wrong with it's leg. Can I just email you a picture of it instead so you can tell me what's wrong and how to fix it?"

110. "Our dog died sometime yesterday and we were wondering if you could tell us how to perform our own autopsy at home? We were unable to find any directions on the internet."

111. After telling the owner that their Boxer has a heart murmur: "Oh, no! Not one of those Generic things!" 

112. "The label says to put one drop in both eyes. And I've really tried! But no matter what I try I can't do just half-a-drop!"

113. On the answering machine: "I'm pissed off! I tried to pick up my dog after you closed and no one was there to help me!"

114. On the phone: "I need to reschedule my appointment. I don't know what I'm coming in for. You'd have to talk to that lady I made the appointment with the first time. She'd know why I'm coming in!"

115. "My dog ate cat poop. How do I adjust his insulin dosage to account for that?"

116. "She craps all over the place and her butt smells. I guess she's preparing me to have a husband."

117. "Does dewormer make a dog's butt smell?"

118. "The Omega Fatty Acid pills you gave me don't work because I haven't been able to give them to him."

119. "Wow! You're quick! He bit the crap out of the last vet we saw."

120. "Why are my cats gay?" 

121. "You can smell that it's mange."

122. "We know he doesn't have fleas because he drinks out of the pool."

123. "Will my Red Bone Hound become a Lab if she nurses her part-Lab puppies?"

124. "After you cut my dog's nails, can you put them into a plastic bag for me to keep?" 

125. "Why is my dog vomiting after eating horse manure?"

126. "Heartworms are just something vets made up to make money."

127. "Corn in the dog food makes your dog go crazy!"

128. "I have a pedophile to do my dog's nails."

129. "She's an indoor dog, but I keep her outside."

130. In regards to an extremely rotund Australian Shepherd: "Everyone keeps telling us she's fat, but the way we figure it, she's the right weight for her breed, but she just has a smaller frame."

131. "We feed him peanuts in the shell to keep his anal glands under control."

132. "I only want a partial dental."

133. Upon calling a client who was late to their appointment, the client replied: "We cancelled our appointment, but forgot to call and tell you."

134. "I don't believe in rabies."

135. "When dogs get their butts stuck together, does that mean they're 100% pregnant?"

136. Reason given for visit: "My cat is ungrateful."

137. "I read that dogs eat dirt if they're anemic.  So, if he's anemic should I feed him dirt?"

138. Client on phone with dog with obvious ear hematoma: "My dog's ear is swollen and he needs antibiotics.  I don't have any money to bring him in for something so simple since I can lance it myself to let the pus out."

139. "Will Lasix make things work better when it wrings the fluid out of the lungs?"

140. Question of if their dog is having any problems is answered by client: "He steals broccoli."

141. "My dog fell off the bed and his tumor got bigger."

142. In regards to a technician's comment when checking a patient in: "Don't say "surgery" around him because he'll be devastated."

143. "She has bad teeth because she had babies."

144. "I don't give them shots because I don't breed them anymore."

145. "Anesthesia just ruined my dog's coat."

146. "If I feed him the large breed food, will he get bigger?"

147. "My dog just got hit by a car.  Can I make an appointment for Saturday at 10 AM?"

148. "I can't believe you put sutures in that my dog could get out!"

149. Problem a cat is brought in for: "He's sleeping a lot."

150. First time Boston Terrier puppy owners: "We're concerned because he seems to have a hard time breathing!"

151. "The flea prevention you sold me gave my dog fleas!"

152. Owner phone call, having bought an Early Pregnancy Test (EPT) for her dog; her question did not relay to the appropriateness of using the test but rather: "I can't figure out how to get her to pee on the stick!"

153. "I cannot believe you sent me a welcome card!  I am not a new client there and my dog is not a new patient!  I simply brought him there for a second opinion and I want all of my and his information deleted from your system!"

154. "I don't need one of those self-cleaning cat litterboxes.  I have a dog that takes care of that." 

155. "Papillions are not susceptible to getting fleas."

156. "I'm not able to pay my bill.  I have a thyroid problem and when it flares up I get memory loss."

157. Client on the phone with a very important question:  "Is it okay to bathe my dog after he's been run over?"

158.  The answer by a client on the phone when asked what problem their dog was having: "He can't exhale."

courtesy of  Funny Vet